Puns, Puns & More Puns

I have a mate who runs a small business joining pieces of string together, trouble is - its knot doing very well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Business man receives an invitation from a supplier to attend an event. Thinking there might be some freebies or available women, he attends. When he arrives at the venue it was just a room full of large pieces of poo dancing to the music. He left immediately.
Next morning the supplier rang him up and asked for an order. The business man replied, "sorry. I don't deal with turd parties".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chap goes into a car park and gets out of his car to buy a ticket. he walks to the ticket machine but instead of the parking charges displayed next to it he sees a piece of paper containing the story of Cinderella. He shrugs his shoulders and walks over to the next machine, this time the paper was displaying the kids fairy tale of Rumpelstiltskin. He walks to the third and final ticket machine, this time to see the story of Beuty and the Beast, but no parking price list.

He turns around to see the parking attendant walking towards him, "hey", he says "whats going on here, I cant find a price list, just kids fairytales". "Well", said the parking attendant, "that's not surprising, it is a multi-story carpark".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I visited a firends house yesterday for the first time in ages. I noticed a long, dark line right the way across one wall. I asked what it was, he replied, Oh, that's just a shadow of my former shelf.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got chatting to a bloke in the pub and, after a while, asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a salesman", he said. Great, said I, what do you sell?
"Mainly custard, jelly and cream" he replied
"Well, I can see you're not a man to be trifled with", I said.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Animals

I once had a friend who liked feeding animals with unusual food - she once gave a horse chestnuts.

Surely everyone knows that you can't give a pig iron

My mate takes his dog for a walk every day in the local park. There is a big sign warning about a big fine for those who let their dogs foul the paths and grass. One day his dog did a massive poo on the path and was captured on the cctv. A fine soon followed in the post. Ah well, said my mate, "shit happens".

cyclists

I asked a cyclist friend out for a drink but she wouldn't come - said she couldn't handle bars.

She was once prosecuted for stealing bicycle parts but she says she was framed.

She refuses to get a mortgage - doesn't want to be saddled with a load of debt.

The police found a load of cannabis in her saddlebags - they accused her of peddling drugs.

YouTube Puns

What's the most popular search engine amongst the sheep farming community?

Ewe Tube.

I took a photograph of a suspicious looking hair that appeared in my wash basin, where would be a good place to post it on the Internet for all to see?

You Pube

I hear that Wrigley's have set up their own Internet search engine, guess what it's called?

Chew Tube

What is the dairy farming community's favourite web site?

Moo Tube

What's the best online destination for those suffering from diarrhea?

Pooh Tube

What's the best website for handymen?

Screw Tube
(There are other variation s of this but I have refrained from including them on this grandma-friendly blog.)

What's the chimney sweeps favourite website?

Flue Tube

Beecham's have a great new site where you can see videos of people sneezing, what's it called?

Flu Tube